When I was ten years-old I realized that I wasn't very good at the physical act of balancing. While family members could have testified to this truth even earlier in my life it took three events for me to come to terms with the fact that I'd never become like my childhood idols Dorothy Hamil and Mary-Lou Retton.
1)I lost my footing while sitting on the bleachers at our local football field. Had it not been for the head of a bald man seated in front of me I would have fallen through the bleachers straight down to the gravel.
2)My training wheels finally came off of my bike. Knowing that for most kids that magic moment usually comes by ones sixth birthday would have been enough information for one to conclude that balance wasn't my thing, but I guess I was never one to leave room for doubt. I accidentally peddled into my friend's 80 year-old grandpa and sent him rolling down an empty parking lot.
3)To keep up with the birthday party trend of 1984 my birthday party was held at a local roller-rink. When it came time to blow out the candles, I huff, puffed, and rolled myself right under the table!
Needless to say, I was never a cheerleader nor did I ever attempt team sports. But I did achieve a sense of balance in other areas of my life. By the time I graduated college I became a fairly organized and structured person (or so I thought). I had my dorky moments, but for the most part I was "even." Outgoing, but not the life of the party. Serious, but fun-loving. Adventurous, but grounded. Detail-oriented, but creative. Spontaneous, but goal-oriented. Romantic, but realistic. My life, for the most part had balance.
During my pregnancy with Xylie I knew that adding a child into our home would make things different, but I thought that as long as I could maintain a "balanced parenting-style" our home would be a peaceful haven.
Motherhood put me back on that bike cruising at high speed and not knowing how to properly maneuver the breaks or the handlebars. Unable to feel balanced, I went in the direction I thought was best. I sought control. I couldn't stop my baby from crying, but I could make my bath tub shine. I may have come to a party with spit-up on my slacks, but by golly the tag on those pants would read "size 4."
Two kids and one nervous breakdown later, I realized that control was not going to work for me either. I needed to find balance in other ways, or perhaps not pursue balance at all. Instead, just pursue God and what He wanted for my life. I prayed for the Lord to love my family through me. I've also been working to let go of my perfectionists habits. The results have been beautiful, except for one. And that is why I titled this blog "flaking out" and perhaps why it has taken me eight paragraphs to explain the title.
As I become less obsessed with making my life perfect, I find myself a bit flaky. Now, before I go too much further, I want to make something very clear to all of you who may not be mothers. Pregnancy, childbirth, and childrearing are all IQ busters. I'm not sure if the hormones deep fried my brain cells or if it was a recipe of hormones, over-thinking, and sleep deprivation that did the trick, but suddenly, I didn't do so well at speaking in complete sentences. Or remembering that the orange juice container goes back in the refrigerator and not in the dishwasher. Those types of moments I've been experiencing steadily for the past few years. But for the past three weeks I have been experiencing a different type of brain freeze. It's as if I am just one walking talking blond joke. I mean you cannot even get this shade of blond from a bottle. Here are some examples:
- I sent out a few birthday party invitations to a few of Xylie's friends from church/MOPPETS and got several phone calls and e-mails asking me for information about the party because their invitations were blank.
- I forgot to pay our rent! This caused a whole serious of stressful life wrinkles that have finally been ironed out.
- I spent 15 minutes searching for my keys only to discover that I left them in the front door
- I was talking to a friend of mine and completely forgot her name
- I introduced myself to someone I've met about four times in the past six months
- I got lost in one of those plantation subdivisions. That is actually not so hard to do, but I've been to this friend's house before. Not only was I lost, I forgot to bring her phone number with me and ended up driving around for 45 minutes until I remembered that I could call 411 for her number.
But here is something to which the answer evades me. Why am I, a person who strives for balance, on either one end of the teeter-totter or the other? I'm either this emotionally driven super-woman with OCD tendencies or Alice (as in crazy-cupcake eating Alice in Wonderland Alice, not Alice the housekeeper from the Brady Bunch). Do I have to be one or the other? I'm happier in my current la-la-land, so if I have to be, I 'll choose who I am now. But I'm not really sure.
All I know is that I will stick to my passion for letting God lead me and lean on His understanding. And when the goin' gets wobbling, He'll keep me straight.
(The ending of this post may be rather anticlimactic and for that I apologize. I will probably add on to this thought train as I learn more about myself and where God wants me to be this year.)
2 comments:
I feel your "pain." I used to be so balanced, but now I often feel like such a flake. I used to have friends over for dinner with the perfect meal and the table set just right. Now it's becomes a buffet style, have it your way and get the noodles out of the sink yourself kinda thing. I have also forgotten to pay bills thus adding on a nice late fee, I have sent e-mails to the "wrong" person getting a response like, "I would love to come hang-out tomorrow, but I live 6 hours away so I think you meant to send this to someone else." The list could go on. My friend who is about to have her first baby said she used to doubt "mommy brain" and think it was an excuse, as a successful business woman, she has found that mommy brain does exist and it has proven to be true in her life. Don't beat yourself up. Maybe we should get some ladies together and have a good laugh at ourselves over tea. :) I think we all need that sometimes.
Hey Ang - don't beat yourself up. I bought groceries and left them in the store, and drove HOME. I noticed it when I poped the tailgate of the truck to unload them. It was a real flip of the coin if I should go back and get them though. If I had the extra money, I would have went to a different store and bought them again instead of going back to Publix and admitting that I was the ding bat that left them there!!! BTW, this was BEFORE LaneBug so I can't blame him.
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