Laughing in the Dark

Last week I finished reading Laughing in the Dark: A comedian's journey through depression by Chonda Pierce. I absolutely loved this book and would highly recommend it to anyone who has or is going through a season of depression or anyone who knows someone who is struggling with depression.

In the above-mentioned book, Pierce poignantly shares a dark period of her life but does so with truth and humor. When anyone tackles a serious subject with an almost breezy style, it can raise a few eyebrows of concern. But, Pierce was able to make me laugh at the same time her words comforted my heart. As one of my dear friend's put it "She (Pierce) hits the nail on the head and is so doggone funny at the same time!"

Scripture prefaces each chapter of the book and expert advice is also included at the end of each chapter.

Although I found many wonderful nuggets when reading the book, I think the section that grabbed me the most was the chapter on emotion.

I'm an emotionally based woman. Most of us all...some more than others. My face tends to appear misleadingly calm, so many do not know that inside an often serene exterior lies a still volcano of emotion ready to spew forth whenever a decision needs to be made, a wrong needs to be righted, or a friend needs comfort. Now, I don't make all my decisions based on pure emotions (I actually had a friend in Orlando, Weegee Chan, who marveled about my "logical" mind) but when a tender chord is struck, whether that chord be sweet or bitter my reaction is usually dictated by my emotions. Example, if you give me flowers, I'm going to hug you. If you scare me, you may receive an ear-drum-bursting scream.

Emotions can be wonderful and to deny one's emotions is detrimental. However, when one is dealing with depression, be it postpartum, seasonal, or clinical, emotions can lead you astray. Sometimes, those suffering from a mood disorder can feel myriad emotions all at once, or confused emotions, or even no emotion. Emotion, even a positive emotion like love, that is not in harmonized with reality is an emotion to steer clear of. And often depression brings about many unrealistic emotions.

Chonda wrote about a time during her struggle when she just couldn't feel any emotion toward God and she was devastated because at first she thought that it meant that her relationship with God may be lacking, but she learned that it is "OK to approach some things very unemotionally, very matter of fact---even God." She writes that at one time she began to believe more in the emotion of God than the essence of God. I really related to that line. There definitely have been times in my life that I felt almost left behind by God because I wasn't feeling warm and fuzzy inside during church services. But God is so much more than a warm-fuzzy...and that's a wonderful thing.

Here is an excerpt from Laughing in the Dark that I think can be life-changing. At least it was for me.
"One evening at sunset I had a breakthrough. I sat quietly and watched the sun--a beautiful ball of orange fire--drop slowly into the ocean.Through tear-blurred vision I saw it disappear peacefully into the blue. And as objectively as possible I thought 'that was beautiful'. There was no song or swell of emotion that brought me to that conclusion. The sight of fiery orange sun disappearing into an endless expanse of blue sea is a thing of beauty. Always is. Always will be. Some things cannot be denied no matter how you feel. At that moment I realized that the presence of God is like the splendor of the sunset: It cannot be denied, no matter how you feel. God manifests His presence in many ways that are not emotionally driven...Depression taught me a great lesson that weekend: Feelings are temporary. Sometimes they even lie. From that evening forward, I began to lean more on what I know and less on what I feel."

Right now, I think my PPD is in remission if not cured, but I also know not to be too quick to jump to conclusions. Instead I must continually arm myself with the truths I know and use those truths (along with my complete therapy plan--if someone is being treated for PPD it is very important to stay on all medications and other treatment options for at least one year after she is symptom free) and use them when I am having a less than stellar day. No matter if I am feeling tired, weary, scared, or confused I know that God is in control and that His love is more than enough for me.