I Belong on What Not to Wear

Hi, my name is Angela and I am fashion-challenged. All three of my sisters are trendy and know how to dress appropriately for their body types. This gene skipped me.

My body shape changed after birthing two children and I no longer know how to adorn it. I am also attracted to loud capri pants. Short pants bedazzled with large fruit, floral prints, footwear, mammals, lipstick, or flamingos speak to me. They softly whisper, "We're fun. Throw caution to the wind and put us in your cart. We'll brighten up your wardrobe."

To make matters worse, I've more than once succumbed to their pleas. I've owned pants similar to the ones pictured. Incidentally, the ones pictured are sold at children's, (oh yes, yes I did type CHILDREN's) boutiques.

Today, after making a large donation to our friendly neighborhood Good Will store, Zayden and I did some perusing. My heart skipped a few beats and my palms moistened as we strolled by an aisle of decorative capri pants. I picked up a pair of kaiki pants decorated with alligators, fish, and palm trees. "Darling,"I thought. "And only $2.99 each. Ohh, fancy brand name labels. I. Think. I. Can. Pull. These. Off."

A note to my dear fashioniesta friend's, Melinda and Annie, who are no doubt reading this and pleading "No, no, no," please take this moment to breath a collective sigh of relief. I didn't. But I was tempted. In fact, I'm feeling a bit sad that I didn't. Sick, no?

And really, what's so bad about high waisted jeans...the low cut ones always slide down.

A few years ago, after I was gifted with some birthday money, my friend Melinda took me shopping and helped me pick out basics that best suited my figure. Two years later, my figure is different. It is curvier, bumpier, lumpier, and well, those clothes that Melinda helped me pick out no longer fit. Someday they may fit again, but they just may not either. I can live with whatever the outcome. But my empty wallet cannot take me on another shopping spree and I am stuck with a closet full of clothing from fashion faux pas past. And trust me, even if I was given $1,000 to blow on clothing, I'm not sure I could resist the charming voices belonging to gaudy pants intended for those aged younger than 10 or older than 65.

So please, I beg of you. Please nominate me for a make over show. I won't get mad. I promise not to get mad. In fact, if I win, I'll love you forever and send you flowers on your birthday. And if you see me at any shopping establishment with large printed capri's in hand, don't let me do. Even if I say they are for my grandma, wrestle me to the ground if you must, but don't allow me to make that purchase.